One of the things I'm supposed to expect from menopause is a change in my sex drive - and by change, I mean reduction. Like elimination. Like don't even think about touching me or I'll bite your freaking head off.

On the one hand, I think this is one of those stupid cause-and-effect theories "they" expect us to buy into. Like old people frequently suffer from depression. Well, what do you expect? Of course they're depressed. They're getting OLD. That doesn't mean they need to be medicated.

My pre-menopausal libido also wanes now and then, and most of the time I think it's not because of hormones or dysfunction. It's because I can no longer zip up my "thin" jeans. Or I'm wound up about a deadline. Or the bills are piling up.

On the other hand, maybe it's not all in my head. Maybe it is further south.

Medical experts around the globe are "beavering away" (pardon the pun) on the research and development of new medications to ensure I and my sisters never have to see our libido turn into "libidon't."

Patch me in
In the UK, the National Health Service will soon make available a testosterone patch designed to boost sex drive. The catch for the patch is that it's designed only for women who have had an early menopause because of surgery, such as a hysterectomy, which also leads to a decrease in the production of testosterone, important for sexual desire. About a third of the women who undergo this procedure suffer from low sex drive, and in the UK, they'll be entitled to receive treatment by prescription.

The patch, called Intrinsa, is worn on the abdomen, and delivers a low dose of testosterone. Trials involving over 500 women who had had hysterectomies found the patch led to a 74% increase in satisfying sex.

Can I ask you something? How the heck do you measure that? Is that 74% of a whole orgasm? Or 74% more orgasms? Or 7.4 times out of ten, you actually have an orgasm? Sigh. I dunno.

Anyway, it's the first treatment for women with low sex drive, but makers Procter and Gamble (the folks who are experts in "Bounce" and "Olay") said it will not be marketed as the female equivalent of Viagra.

But physicians say one drug is incapable of addressing the "complex reasons" for low sex drive, and medical treatment is just one part of the therapy. Also recommended in the treatment is a manicure, pedicure and new handbag. Ok, I made that last part up.

Dr Jim Kennedy, prescribing spokesman for the Royal College of GPs, said: "There are a variety reasons for low sex drive, such as psychological reasons and the environment the person is in, for example if there are children around." Yes, I'd say. Particularly if they're in the room at the time.

Unexpected pleasure
However, German drugmaker Boehringer Ingelheim may have literally stumbled on a better solution. Several years ago, the company was trying to develop a fast-acting antidepressant that patients would respond to in a matter of days, not weeks as in most current treatments. By the late 1990s the company had developed a molecule called flibanserin that seemed to relieve stress in rats. (Once again, I have to ask. How the heck do you measure that? All rats look stressed to me. But I digress...) Unfortunately, like many promising drugs, it flopped in human trials. Says Dr. Lutz Hilbrich, the company's executive director of general medicine: "We did not see the effect we were expecting."

Instead, they found something very unexpected. Like all companies working on antidepressants, Boehringer surveyed patients in its clinical trial to assess dampening of libido, a well-established side effect. Instead of complaining about a drop in sexual desire and arousal, many of the women in the trial reported, well, a surge in those warm and tingly feelings.

The men had no such response-and neither group showed any improvement in mood. (Now wait a minute, a surge in warm and tingly feelings doesn't put you in a good mood? It certainly does me!)

Boehringer has launched four major clinical trials on flibanserin, involving 5,000 women in 220 locations, with the goal of applying for FDA approval in 2009. Getting that approval won't be easy. For one thing, experts can't agree whether there is a female version of erectile dysfunction. Recently, the Endocrine Society issued guidelines cautioning that sexual dysfunction, if it exists at all, may have nothing to do with any "defect in the woman's physical sexual response system."

What's more, the Society does not believe testosterone should be recommended for treatment. Still to be answered, if a woman doesn't experience physical desire, is it a medical condition, like inadequate blood flow in men, or is it purely psychological? "Maybe she just doesn't like the guy she's with," says Washington (D.C.) psychotherapist David Waldman.

Finally, it's not yet clear exactly how flibanserin works. Boehringer researchers have figured out that it somehow stimulates parts of the brain that are linked to feelings and pleasure, but the effects are not immediate. "This is not something that can be taken on a Friday for the weekend," says Boehringer Ingelheim spokesman Mark R. Vincent. "There is a gradual increase in sexual desire over a six- to eight-week period."

The FDA views drugs that affect the complicated central nervous system with extra caution, and regulators are especially wary of drugs that might be used widely as a lifestyle choice rather than just to treat disease.

Even if flibanserin doesn't pan out, understanding how it boosts desire should point the way to better versions-and perhaps give women a choice about whether or not to pop a little pill. And everyone will have fun trying. Boehringer says it's having no trouble recruiting women for the trial, some of whom travel long distances for the chance to try the drug. Now THAT'S what you call a joyride.

Over the counter now?
As with male performance and enhancement products, there are many dubious purveyors of herbal supplements and potions promising instant luscious libido. One in particular, with the plausible-sounding name of "Zestra," is being marketed as a "feminine arousal fluid." Oh, you mean like tequila? Zestra is in fact only a "botanic massage oil," but the makers would have you believe it is a credible product. According to the website, a small study reported in the "Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy" recently found that Zestra was effective in enhancing sexual arousal." But dig a little deeper, and you'll find the "small study" was actually just 20 women.

Oh PLEASE! TWENTY women? How can they possibly report the results of this study with a straight face? For all we know, they recruited 20 women during a segment of "Girls Gone Wild!" Of COURSE it was successful.

It doesn't take a medical expert to know if someone gently massages a little oil onto your privates, you're going to start feeling a little...you know.

The best treatment
I'm certainly not a medical expert. I don't even play one on tv. But I do know myself, and I've definitely heard from enough other females around the globe to understand that sexual desire is not a constant, and is susceptible to a number of variables. I also find that the more pressure I put on myself to want it (or not want it), whether it's sex, chocolate, or shoes, the worse it gets. I think the majority of the stress we carry around is self-imposed. Read any women's magazine, and you're led to believe you're supposed to be having marathon, multi-toned orgasms every night. I'm quite certain the first step towards increasing your sexual arousal is to stop worrying about it. And you don't need a prescription for that.

Michele Hickford is a freelance writing with an opinion on almost everything. Her first book, "Do I Need To Slap You?" www.doineedtoslapyou.com is available on Amazon.