Razor blades, ping-pong balls, cigarettes – certain ladies in Thailand are adept at flamboyant performances with various objects and their private parts. But of course, they are PROFESSIONALS, people. Off the stage, rookies all over the world manage to get a variety of things stuck up, on, or in their yin-yangs. Here are some of the most amazing. Oh, and don’t try this at home.

Daniel Blackner Hearts Vacuum Cleaners

That really sucks.

Proving that truth is sometimes stranger than fiction, last summer a dwarf who was performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival had to be rushed to the hospital after he glued his penis to a vacuum cleaner. Daniel Blackner, who was performing in the Circus of Horrors as Captain Dan, the Demon Dwarf, said the incident happened while he was preparing for the show.

According to the account in the UK’s Daily Mail, 42-year-old Blackner’s “act” in the show included pulling a tank-style vacuum cleaner around the stage with the hose attached to…uh…his hose. Unfortunately, the special attachment connecting his member to the appliance came loose before the show. In a rush, Blackner decided to fix the broken attachment with extra-strong glue but left it to dry for only 20 seconds, instead of the recommended 20 minutes. The quick repair held – but unfortunately, it also glued his penis in place as well. Blackner was taken to the accident and emergency department of Edinburgh Royal Infirmary, where he said nurses struggled for an hour to free him.

“It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed (emergency room) with a vacuum attached to me, “Blackner said. “I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived.” (No pun intended.)

Well yes, except for the photographic evidence that you make a living doing this. In a kilt.

The Case of the Deer Tongue

Oh deer!

According to a 1990 article from “The American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology,” a 29-year-old woman visited a clinic to have a deer tongue removed from her vagina.

The woman was “complaining of missed periods and seeking termination of a possible pregnancy,” but when she was examined, the physician found and removed a “cylindrical mass of pale-gray tissue.” After questioning the woman for “further historical information” she finally confirmed the object was indeed a deer tongue used for masturbation. There were no details in the article about how she obtained the tongue, and how long it had been up there.

According to the Journal, large objects retrieved from the “vag” are found mostly in married women aged 17-30 and come from the produce department rather than meat (or wildlife); fortunately, the bananas, cucumbers, and other large vegetables in question rarely required surgical attention. Bottom’s up!
Flashlights and broomsticks

If it fits, someone will have tried to stick it where the sun rarely shines. In 1986, Surgery magazine published a list compiled by Drs. David Busch and James Starling of Madison, Wisconsin containing a tabulation of 182 previously reported cases of “rectal foreign bodies.” The largest category was not for sexual devices, but instead glass or ceramic products. Though the single most common item recovered was a bottle or jar, there were also 10 sticks or broom handles, 3 flashlights, 2 baseballs, 2 apples, 2 pens, 2 mortar pestles, a curling iron, a baby powder can, 1 plantain (with a condom – safety first!), and 7 light bulbs.

Have a crack and a smile

The Medical Journal of Australia reported that a man showed up at a provincial hospital with a “foreign body in his rectum that would not pass, which he said was a ‘bottle top’.” Arrangements were made for the resident surgeon to get it out by sigmoidoscopy under general anesthesia. When the surgeon proceeded to try to remove the “bottle top” he realized what he was looking at was the bottom of a glass bottle approximately 5 cm wide. He first tried to remove it with his fingers, while providing gentle pressure to the abdomen, with no success. Plan B was to actually push the bottle up further into the colon, and then surgically open the abdomen to retrieve it. But the anesthesiologist, who was also trained in obstetrics, cleverly suggested using a venthouse cup (vacuum extractor) to essentially suck the bottle out. It worked, and the patient was discharged the following day.

Calcified Stone

So THAT’S where I put that!

In the UK, a 63-year-old woman complaining of hip pain had an X-ray that revealed she had a 9 x 5 cm calcified stone in her vagina that had grown around an IUD (intrauterine device). According to the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine, the IUD had been inserted about 23 years previously after a miscarriage and had been apparently forgotten. In addition, the woman had previously suffered from encephalitis – and although she had recovered from a vegetative state, she was periodically verbally abusive and unwilling to submit to routine physical examination. The stone was eventually removed vaginally after an episiotomy and partial morcellation (chopping it up). Doctors believe the combination of the displaced IUD, personal neglect, and lack of regular pelvic examination permitted the development of the stone in this case.

Razor in the Throat

Really tough to swallow

The curiosity of children causes them to get into all kinds of mischief, including swallowing things like buttons, peanuts, and pennies. Amazingly, one 7-year-old in India managed to survive after swallowing a razor blade. The Internet Journal of Head and Neck Surgery reported last year that the child was taken to the hospital after complaining of pain in the throat. His parents said he had been fiddling with the blade in his mouth and they noticed that he had swallowed the blade accidentally. (Just curious – exactly why were the parents allowing him to fiddle with a razor blade in his MOUTH in the first place? Maybe they thought it was safer there than in his eyeballs?)

An X-ray revealed the razor blade’s location and under general anesthesia, the blade was removed with the aid of forceps and an esophagoscope without incident. And then the kid went home to a nice dinner of broken glass and rusty nails.