Stints in rehab, mental breakdowns, DUIs-celebrities certainly aren't the most well-adjusted group of people in the world. On the other hand, their antics sure do keep us entertained. Still, as juicy as reading about Britney's latest photo shoot meltdown is, it'd be cruel of us not to offer the girl and her fellow whacked-out celebs some much-needed advice. (After all, the last thing the world wants is a reunion with Kevin Federline.) Here we give our favorite crazies a "prescription" for some good ol' lifestyle pharmaceuticals-take two and call your agent in the morning!

Symptoms:
Where to begin? There's the quickie Vegas wedding, the unfortunately-not-so-quickie Federline wedding, the shaved head, the crotch shots, the rehab stay, the stained clothing, the lack of good parenting skills, death threats against photographers, fallouts with the family, and, most recently, the bizarre OK! Magazine photo shoot gone awry, during which, as People reports, she "apparently fretted that the ceiling might cave in, she allowed her newly acquired puppy to soil the floor and she wiped her hands on a couture gown after scarfing down fried chicken."

Diagnosis:
Low self-esteem, paranoia, and body dysmorphic disorder. Also, terrible taste in clothes and men.

Remedy:
Diet pills (like Hoodia) and a good personal trainer will help get Britney back in shape; bar that, she could seek liposuction or lipodissolve if she'd prefer a quick fix. A good anti-depressant like Effexor should also help her conquer her paranoia and feeling of alienation towards those close to her; Varenicline may also inhibit her urge to drink. And perhaps some Rogaine will speed that hair growth along? Those ratty hair extensions have got to go.

Symptoms:
Emotional much? Whether she's bawling over some cheesy ballad or wigging out over misplaced luggage, Paula's a walking bundle of nerves-literally. According to USA Today, the star suffers from complex regional pain syndrome, which "causes the nervous system to begin behaving erratically." No kidding! Perhaps whatever medication Paula currently takes for the disease is to blame for her loopy personality and high-strung behavior.

Diagnosis:
Overmedication causing erratic behavior, anxiety, and a severe hormonal imbalance.

Remedy:
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Paula needs to find the right combination of medication that will both alleviate her pain and keep her emotions in check. We suggest keeping a few Xanax in her purse, in the event Paula needs help calming her nerves before her next appearance in front of the camera. We're certain Simon would agree.

Symptoms:
Being a blowhard; unnecessarily chewing out his young daughter on the telephone; and countless battles with ex-wife with Kim Basinger. In a statement obtained by Hollywood.com, Basinger said, "Everyone knows about Alec Baldwin's behavioral problems-his anger, his rages-they are, unfortunately, legendary."

Diagnosis:
Pure rage!

Remedy:
Alec, meet anger management. We also recommend he take a nice mood-stabilizing anti-aggression medication before his next urge to dial home. The pudgy Baldwin (remember when he used to be hot?) could also use a diet pill or, at the very least, look into a meal delivery service for weightloss. Oh, and parenting classes for both him and Kim, who has her own issues with anxiety and paranoia.

Symptoms:
In between shilling Trump-brand bottled water and steaks, The Donald manages to start verbal feuds with anyone who looks at him cross-eyed. He's the Joe Pesci of moguls! Enough is enough.

Diagnosis:
Megalomaniac, ill-tempered, and paranoid. Hey, don't just take it from us. According to PRSA.org, Trump told a group of PR professionals that "Being a little bit paranoid isn't bad. Being a lot paranoid probably isn't so good, because you have a life to lead. Watch out for people who are even close to you, because in the end, if it's a choice between you and them, they're usually going to choose themselves."

Remedy:
1) A new haircut can do wonders for the psyche. 2) Get that man a prescription for Zyprexa, an antipsychotic medication!

Symptoms:
La Lohan's gone from freckle-faced child star to a fiery headcase with a criminal record, a penchant for drunk driving and other extracurricular activities, and multiple stints in rehab.

Diagnosis:
Daddy issues (to say nothing about that scary mother of hers) leading to low self-esteem, which in turn causes promiscuity (Fametastic.co.uk quotes her as saying, "Sex and The City changed everything for me, because those girls would just sleep with so many people.") and other attention-seeking behavior.

Remedy:
Can we get her some new, normal parents? In addition to several (thousand) therapy sessions, Lindsay could benefit from antidepressants that would help her have a more positive outlook on life, sans illegal drugs. Lindsay's also a good candidate for Varenicline, which is said to block the urge to smoke and drink.

Symptoms:
Diva behavior and several run-ins with the household stuff-usually involving a mobile phone. Says PopSugar.com, "Assault is to Naomi what drug arrests are to Pete Doherty. You almost can't keep track anymore."

Diagnosis:
Anger issues.

Remedy:
Some say Naomi's turned a new leaf after completing community service, but some continued anger management counseling and anti-aggression medication would help her keep her cool.

Symptoms:
How Doherty has eluded jail-not to mention the Grim Reaper-after his many arrests and constant drug use is anyone's guess. But to his credit, the musician admits he has a problem. Explaining his recent break-up with Kate Moss to The Mirror, he said, "She could do without the foolhardy junkies around her, doing rash things and endangering everything she's worked f***ing hard to get. So I've got a bit to think about and need to sort myself out." Now that's an understatement.

Diagnosis:
Chronic drug abuser likely triggered by depression.

Remedy:
He may not win Kate back, but a trip to The Priory and an antidepressant like Effexor could spell a brighter future for old Pete. By stabilizing his emotions he'd be less prone to outbursts and using drugs to cheer himself up. Varenicline would also help quell his bad habits.

Symptoms:
How much time do you have? Inappropriate relationships with children, chronic plastic surgery, paranoid episodes, and just overall bizarre behavior have overshadowed the King of Pop's musical talent.

Diagnosis:
Severe paranoia and body dysmorphic disorder (which plastic surgeon Dr. Laurie Casas also suggests in an article found at Rense.com, noting "You have to wonder how someone has gotten into a situation where they look very abnormal."), amplified by feelings of alienation, and, allegedly, deviant sexual tendencies.

Remedy:
Michael would require intensive counseling to tackle these myriad issues. Reconstructive plastic surgery would also be a step in the right direction, along with medications like Ativan to reduce his social anxiety and paranoid tendencies. Then again, there's always castration.

Symptoms:
Paris claims she's a changed woman after her trip to jail, but c'mon-this girl attracts parties and sketchy men like it's nobody's business. And according to Us Magazine, the supposedly reformed starlet recently "sang karaoke, made out and got high" with Cisco Adler. We can forgive the weed, but karaoke? And Cisco Adler? Ick.

Diagnosis:
Just plain dumb.

Remedy:
Let's put Paris at the head of the line to receive the new "smart pills"-including ampakines-that scientists are developing. Varenicline will help with the smoking and drinking, and a good pair of glasses or Lasik eye surgery should stop her from pouncing on ugly men.

Symptoms:
Bitchy husband-stealing, attention-seeking behavior, and, says People, allegedly asking ex-husband Charlie Sheen for a sperm sample so she can have a third child. Kuh-razy!

Diagnosis:
Recent breakups with Charlie and Richie Sambora, as well as a dwindling movie career and her mother's battle with cancer, are likely making Denise depressed and therefore irrational. She also appears to be suffering from low self-esteem.

Remedy:
It won't be on the market for quite a while, but Denise is a prime candidate for Melanotan, which jumpstarts the sex drive (breaking Denise's single mom rut) and will restore the thin, tan body she's known for. In the meantime, a new boyfriend and a hormone-balancing med will work wonders.

Symptoms:
Drama! The self-proclaimed "world's first supermodel" seems to cause trouble wherever she goes. TMZ.com reports that her unruly behavior even got her banned from LA Fashion Week runway shows. And who can forget the time she pulled a knife on Omarosa during "The Surreal Life" (not that we blame her)?

Diagnosis:
Our money's on manic tendencies and possibly ADD. Heck, if we didn't know better, we'd say Tourette's!

Remedy:
Janice needs a tranquilizer, stat. Since we can't euthanize her, the least we can do is write her a script for Ambien to help her find a nice, calming, quiet place.

Symptoms:
The smoking-hot CSI actor recently attacked a TMZ.com photographer (TMZ's version: "Resident CSI douchebag Gary Dourdan pulled a Woody Harrelson last night, unleashing a brutal, unprovoked attack on a TMZ cameraman."). Hey, we know the 'razzi is annoying, but there's no need to get send them to the hospital.

Diagnosis:
Violent rage tendencies.

Remedy:
Somebody needs some happy pills-like Prozac or Effexor-and anger-management therapy. A little time hiding out at home, away from the cameras, is also in order.

Symptoms:
Severe weight loss (and flaunting that scary skeletal carcass in our faces), a history of drug abuse, and decades of erratic behavior.

Diagnosis:
Mental imbalance and depression stemming from the trauma of a troubled childhood, Kurt Cobain's suicide, failed relationships, and her struggle with drugs.

Remedy:
According to Wikipedia.com, Courtney is no stranger to medication: Of a 2003 drug arrest, the site reports, "Love protested her arrest, denying all charges, describing the drugs found on her as 'one expired Percocet and one Ambien.' The police report, however, alleged possession of Oxycontin and Hydrocodone without prescription." Whether its actual Ambien or Ativan, Courtney needs to find a pill that will calm her stormy moods and keep her clear-headed.