If your just-neutered dog could suddenly speak upon waking up from surgery, do you think he'd ask for his balls back? Gregg A. Miller of Independence, Missouri, seems to think so. The guilt Miller suffered after having his own bloodhound, Buck, neutered in 1993, is what drove him to develop a line of testicular implants to "cosmetically eradicate any evidence of neutering."

The cost of this CTI (Canine Testicular Implantation) Project exceeded $500,000 for the molding of parts, research, legal and medical investigations. And today, twelve years after the first commercially "Neuticled" canine swaggered his way out of surgery, Neuticles.com claims that over 225,000 pets have been fitted with Miller's patented testicular implants. Most often inserted at the time of neutering, Neuticles range in softness and size to fit dogs, cats, horses and bulls. Other cosmetic implants designed by Miller include a silicone eye implant for animals that have lost an eye, and a silicone ear implant for pets with drooping or sagging ears.

As reported in an April 27, 2005 article on MSNBC.com, "Wendy Ryan of Annapolis, Md., wanted to neuter her Italian greyhound named Pony so that she could get a female puppy. But her husband, John, would only agree if the dog had Neuticles implanted.

'He licks them like they're real, and I can tell he would rather have them than nothing,' says Ryan.'" She also noted that her husband would have preferred a bigger size.

Neuticles are available in three models: NeuticleOriginals (rigid firmness) NeuticleNatural (natural firmness) and Neuticles UltraPLUS. And, yes, they're available in multiple sizes so you can either match up your pet's original "package," or make him the envy of all other pups in the park with a pair of XLarge. Custom sizing is also available, with costs ranging from $100 - $2000 a pair.

Now, if you're still questioning the procedure even after your emasculated canine has somehow managed to print out this article, leaving it on your pillow for your finding, then you may find solace upon learning that Miller was awarded the Ig Nobel Prize for Medicine in 2005, honoring his Neuticles invention. Handed out by the organization Improbable Research, as reported in an article on AssociatedContent.com, "the awards are bestowed each October at a ceremony held at Harvard College's Saunders Theater, and are followed up by informal lectures by recipients at both Harvard and MIT."

Considering that cosmetic surgery is fast becoming the new "bling," it's no surprise that cosmetic surgery for pets is also growing in popularity worldwide. MSNBC.com reports that pugs, bulldogs and Boston terriers are often candidates for nose jobs to alleviate breathing problems, while owners of Mastiffs, bloodhounds and Newfoundlands may want to consider chin lifts to curb excessive drooling.

Canine facelifts, tummy tucks, nose jobs, breast reductions, cosmetic dentistry, skin fold reduction, ear and teeth straightening, wrinkle-reduction, eyebrow-correction and even full canine facelifts are also growing in popularity, particularly in Brazil. As reported by the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, the Sao Paulo veterinarian Dr. Edgard Brito "can make protruding ears droop and uses Metacril to straighten bent ears. He uses Botox to fix inverted eyelashes. He has even tightened the mammillae of a couple of female dogs, whose owners wanted to show them after they had given birth. Simple surgeries usually cost from about $100 to $200."

Brito's rational, as explained in a BBC News article:

"'Beauty is desirable. We all like talking to someone who looks good and smells nice. It's the same with dogs.'"

Personally, I will never consider testicular implants for my long ago neutered male dog, Wolfgang. Call me selfish, but I have a hard enough time coping when his "lipstick" pops out, not to mention the sound of him cleaning it when I sleep. Now, that's not to say that if Wolfgang miraculously developed the ability to articulate his desire for a canine extreme makeover, I wouldn't listen. I would. And if ever that day comes, I guess all I can hope for is that his list of cosmetic demands will reflect good parenting skills on my part, and include simpler, less invasive procedures like a pedicure or, worst case scenario, a perm.