If you're still going to the spa for a plain old Swedish massage or pineapple scrub facial, you're living in the Dark Ages of pampering! Around the globe these days, spas are offering ever more exotic (and frankly scary treatments) to eager customers. From Vaginal Steam Therapy, to a Snake Massage to Caviar Shampoo, there's something for everyone. Here's a dozen to consider. And yes, they're all real.

How do geishas and Kabuki actors keep their skin so radiant and even-toned? Think it's make-up? Think again! The Japanese performers have long been smearing their faces with enzyme-filled nightingale droppings to keep their complexions clear, white and smooth. Now you can too. The Diamond Spa at Diamond Hawaii Resort & Spa in Maui begins all their featured facials with a coating of dehydrated (and scent-free) nightingale poop, which apparently provides spa-goers with flawless skin.

No, this isn't the treatment enjoyed by frat boys across the country. It's even better. You SIT in beer. At the Chodovar Family Brewery Spa in the Czech Republic, guests sit in a bathtub full of dark beer while drinking, yes, beer! Supposedly the bath increases circulation and aids in detoxification. Waaaaait a minute. You're getting detoxed while drinking beer? This sounds too good to be true!

Masochists everywhere are probably throbbing at the idea of getting rubbed with a prickly cactus, but they may be disappointed. The cactus paddles used during the Hakali Massage at Apuane Spa at the Four Seasons Resort Punta Mita in Mexico are spine-free. The paddles are used to massage in a blend of nopal, made from prickly pear fruit, and pulque, an alcohol made from the agave plant (not tequila, but related).

I like my beer, but I love my wine. In Japan, I can bathe in it. At the Hakone Kowakien Yunessun Spa in Japan, red wine is poured into the water. Apparently, bathing in red wine rejuvenates the body. It must be good - supposedly even Cleopatra used to bathe in red wine. Red wine from Egypt? Hmm. Not so sure.

Not to be confused with blowing smoke up your...well, you know, this treatment is referred to in polite company as the "Tea Chair." According to the Jade Sauna, the tea chair is made of cedar wood and works like a non-invasive douche. (Wait, how do you douche without...never mind). Warm steam rises through a mixture of herbs placed beneath the chair, which has an opening in the center. You sit on the chair, and voila! Already popular in Korea, the gyno-steam is believed to prevent PMS and yeast infections.

I generally think the skin on my tush is the softest on my body but I guess I'm mistaken! In New York City, the Smooth Synergy Cosmedical Spa now offers the "Fanny Facial" to "rectify" that situation. The treatment combines an invigorating scrub, microcurrent therapy which not only zaps those cheek zits but lifts and tones through a series of positive and negative compressions, AND a sunless tanning application.

Okay, this really doesn't sound relaxing to me. In Northern Israel, spa therapist and owner Ada Barak will place six non-venomous snakes on your back. As the snakes slither around, tension supposedly melts away. (Either that, or you pee in your pants.)

Outside of Tokyo at the Ooedo-Onsen-Monogatari hot springs spa, you can order up Doctor Fish's "pedicure" and "manicure." Call it revenge of the sushi - because the fish eat you. This particular fish, known scientifically as Garra rufa, has a taste for dry, flaking human skin. The fish happily (and one hopes, gently) nibble off the dead skin and hangnails and leave behind baby-smooth skin. Visitors dangle their tootsies in a warm pool or flop their mitts in smaller aquariums where the fish do their jobs. Presumably, they accept tips.

If you can't stand to watch anything nibble you, or hate to be touched, perhaps you'd prefer to be zapped by Far Infrared rays. According to the Lynden Hill Clinic in the UK, where the treatment is offered, these invisible rays possess great penetrative power and are able to reach the cells, inner tissues, glands, nerves and organs beneath the skin. Far Infrared Thermal treatment (FITT) supposedly works by stimulating the body's water molecules and making them vibrate, which releases toxins. I don't know about you, but I've always dreamed of having my molecules vibrated. Sounds like you could bring a potato with you and have a baked snack after the treatment as well.

Thermo-auricular therapy or "Hopi ear candles" are also available at the Lynden Hill Clinic. With ear candling, one end of a cylinder or cone of waxed cloth is lit, and the other end is placed into your ear. Supposedly, a light suction action (chimney effect) and the movement of the flame create a vibration of air in the ear canal, generating a massage-like effect on the ear drum. Some people claim the flame creates negative pressure which draws out ear wax and other debris in the ear canal. But according to Dr. Lisa M.L. Dryer of quackwatch.com, candling can't possibly do that because the negative pressure needed to pull wax from the canal would have to be so powerful that it would rupture the eardrum in the process. Nonetheless, it feels nice and warm, and you get a scalp massage afterwards.

In Azerbaijan you can lay in bathtub filled with a nonflammable form of crude oil called Naftalan, extracted from only one place in Azerbaijan. Some people believe that bathing in Naftalan cures everything from joint pain to skin disorders to some STDs. How sad that the Tin Man spent all his time in Oz and never made it to Azerbaijan.

I guess if it's good enough for Catherine Zeta-Jones, it's good enough for me. She's reportedly a big fan of the caviar shampoo treatments offered at Hari's salon in London. For "only" about $400, Catherine has her head smeared with liquefied Sturgeon roe. It may well be worth it. Caviar has been actually proven to work as a conditioning therapy because the fatty acids it contains produce collage and keratin, two proteins you need for sleek hair. But just one thing. If you do happen to meet Catherine on the red carpet, do NOT ask, "What smells like fish?" I hear she's quite litigious.