Perfect TorsoNaked Celebrities
Published: Thursday, July 12, 2007 - 17:47
Some stars are so physically perfect that they shame us into never touching another donut for the rest of our lives. And then there are the celebrities that are so out of shape they need a butt double 24/7. So which stars still look sexy once they've left the set-and its good lighting and duct tape-and shed their clothes, and which ones make you grateful for PG ratings and no-nudity clauses? Body-Philosophy has fearlessly taken its binoculars to Hollywood's locker rooms (hey, it's a tough job but someone's got to do it) to bring you this ranking of the best and worst undressed celebs.
Val KilmerNaked Celebrities WORST MALE BODIES
Val Kilmer
Remember that hot shirtless volleyball game in Top Gun?
It looks like the Iceman swallowed the ball, judging by the supersized
gut Val Kilmer has been sporting lately. How did he go from studly
Batman to liposuction candidate so quickly-and what's with the hat? As TheSuperficial.com quipped, "How does he expect to round up all the cows on the beach if he can't even see his feet?"
Richie SamboraNaked Celebrities Richie Sambora
MamaPop.com took the words right out of our mouth: "Richie and Denise have nice racks!" They do indeed. How exactly did this guy land both Heather Locklear and Denise Richards? And what does he have against sunscreen...and the gym?
John TravoltaNaked Celebrities John Travolta
It's official: John Travolta looks like my dad in swim trunks. But which is scarier-those saggy man boobs or the Eddie Munster widow's peak? If you're going to dabble in cosmetic procedures, John, stay away from the hair transplants and go for the lipo. Or maybe start up the disco dancing again to burn off some calories?
Jack NicholsonNaked Celebrities Jack Nicholson
Okay, the guy has balls to tear into a hoagie while showing off his man boobs and a belly that looks like it's in its third trimester, we'll give him that. But that doesn't make Jack's body any buffer. Still, as PopcornNation.com writes, "He's won three Academy Awards and is worth almost $300 million. With those stats, he can let it all hang out." All we want to know is, how the heck is Lara Flynn Boyle still living after dating this beached whale?
David GestNaked Celebrities David Gest
Lunch, anyone? For all the plastic surgery he's undergone, David Gest seems to have forgotten a tummy tuck. He looks like a big white blob in these photos, but at least he's aware of the problem. According to News.ninemsn.com, Gest has said, "I've lost a lot of weight - about five stone - and I want to get rid of what the papers keep putting in as man boobs. I want it to be totally flat."
Hugh JackmanNaked Celebrities
BEST MALE BODIES
Hugh Jackman
With his broad shoulders, washboard stomach, and defined pecs, Hugh Jackman is one hunk we'd like to see come out with a swimsuit calendar. Hey Hugh, how about more beach movies and fewer action flicks that involve buttoned-up shirts and scary sideburns?
Daniel CraigNaked Celebrities Daniel Craig
Oh, to be a Bond Girl. This buff Brit had skeptics saying "Pierce who?" the second he stepped out of the surf wearing his itsy-bitsy baby blue swimming trunks. And that naked, oiled-up torture scene may have made Casino Royale the most popular chick flick of the year.
Ryan ReynoldsNaked Celebrities Ryan Reynolds
Can we get a moment of silence for those back muscles? Reynolds may not be known for his important cinematic fare, but we'd happily drop $10 on a ticket to any flick where he's wearing next to nothing. Alanis Morrisette's loss is our gain.
Matthew McConaugheyNaked Celebrities Matthew McConaughey
Considering he's constantly photographed cycling, lifting weights, surfing, doing yoga, and engaged in any other activity that involves sweat, headbands, and loud grunts, it's not surprising that Matthew has a scorching-hot body to show for it. Who needs bongos when you can play the drums on those abs of steel?
David BeckhamNaked Celebrities David Beckham
Yes, as a professional athlete he's supposed to work out like crazy, but we think David Beckham really goes above and beyond the call of duty. And if we see any more photos of him in whitie tighties, we're going to have to hire an assassin to take out Posh. Makes you wonder what "Bend it Like Beckham" really means, eh?
Vanessa FeltzNaked Celebrities
WORST FEMALE BODIES
Vanessa Feltz
In case you haven't heard of her, Vanessa Feltz is a British television personality who's known for her big waistline and bigger personality. The former can be seen in full glory in this beach snapshot. Vanessa, black isn't that slimming. We love the fake interview ShowbizVixen.com posted with the pic: "VANESSA - 'Does my bum look big in this swimming costume?' REST OF THE WORLD - 'Yes!'" We'd love to see what a little lipo could do for her.
Kelly ClarksonNaked Celebrities Kelly Clarkson
Kelly Clarkson isn't the type of girl to compete with the Christinas and Jessicas-and we love her for that-but that doesn't mean she couldn't stand to get into better shape. As it stands now, her bod's a bit more "American Idle" than "American Idol." With some modest breast implants and liposuction on her stomach and thighs, our girl Kelly would be a real force to be reckoned with.
Nicole RichieNaked Celebrities Nicole Richie
There's skinny, and then there's just plain skeletal. While we shudder to think of Nicole Richie raising a child, we do sort of hope the pregnancy rumors are true, if only to put some meat on her malnourished bones. We'd suggest a fat transplant, but the surgeon would have to get the extra poundage from another person, as she clearly doesn't have any to spare.
Says IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com, "The shudders I get when I look at these pictures of them are not unlike how I imagine my body would react if I drank a shot of battery acid and chased it with a swig of Windex. Impersonating a starving refugee is not going to get you adopted by Angelina Jolie, Nicole."
Britney Spears (on left)Naked Celebrities Britney Spears
We've all seen those nude photos of Britney from the front, and the view from the back isn't so great either. Yes, she's had two kids in as many years, but there's no excuse for flashing that much skin when you've "exploded into a world of cellulite and flab," according to Egotastic.com. Britney's photo used to be on the fridge as an inspiration to get in shape; now it's a warning of what might happen if you go digging for leftovers at midnight.
Charlotte ChurchNaked Celebrities Charlotte Church
Yes, we know she's pregnant, but there are so many crimes against beauty committed in this photo that we were forced to add Charlotte Church to the list (and in my defense, she was looking out of shape well before getting preggers; JustJared.com has evidence). Cornrows, that ugly swimsuit that's several sizes too small, cankles...where to start? Charlotte's in for a big body overhaul as soon as she gives birth.
Halle BerryNaked Celebrities BEST FEMALE BODIES
Halle Berry
Ursula Andress, eat your heart out. Although rumor has it Halle Berry may not have been born with the breasts peeking out of her stylish orange bikini, she certainly got her money's worth. With her flat stomach and lean thighs, Berry looks slim but healthy.
Jessica SimpsonNaked Celebrities Jessica Simpson
What guy didn't see The Dukes of Hazzard solely to ogle Jessica Simpson in a hot pink bikini? Though her weight can fluctuate, Jessica is one girl who's committed to working her butt off to look amazing naked. Must be the Chicken of the Sea.
Cameron DiazNaked Celebrities Cameron Diaz
Leave it to a surfer chick like Cameron to flaunt a perfectly toned body. The California girl always looks fabulous and athletic in a bikini. Who needs silicone when you've got muscles?
Jessica BielNaked Celebrities Jessica Biel
Jessica Biel has one of those incredible bodies-curvaceous but athletic in all the right places-that sends the rest of us straight to the nearest personal trainer. Here's hoping that she publishes a diet and fitness how-to book before the summer's over.
Elle MacphersonNaked Celebrities Elle Macpherson
If we look this good in our 40s, we will die happy. Elle Macpherson's "super-hot smoking body made for wearing two-piece bikinis" (in the words of BeyondHollywood.com) leaves little doubt as to why her nickname is "The Body."
