British Tabloid's Page 3 Girls Go Au Natural

Man, are British boys lucky. While their American counterparts are burying Playboys under their beds, all these kids need to do is buy a newspaper and pretend they're catching up on current events as they ogle the goods inside. For 37 years, "The Sun" newspaper has featured a topless model on Page 3, single-handedly getting male readers to stop reading the back sports section first.

But if you're imaging Barbie-like models with gigantic D cups and a plastic surgeon on retainer, think again. In a controversial move, "The Sun" announced that it would "retire" any model with breast implants. The beautiful "Page 3 Girls" who strike seductive poses while wearing nothing but a pair of frilly knickers and a smile must sign a contract saying that their "boobs are 100% natural," according to the entry form available at Page3.com.

While we're all for giving Mother Nature her due, this policy is a tad ironic considering that the most famous "Page 3 Girl" to emerge from between the sheets, Jordan, aka Katie Price, is about as all-natural as a drag queen convention. In fact, AwfulPlasticSurgery.com has dubbed her "Britain's Most Plastic Page 3 Girl."

Despite fame and a starring role in most British men's fantasies, Jordan felt that her B cups were a little underwhelming. "I always felt that I looked flat-chested when I stood next to other girls on the glamour circuit," Jordan has said, according to her bio on Mxdpi.com. That kind of thinking spurred her to upgrade to D cups-and then up to a 32G-despite warnings that she would ruin her "Page 3" career. But in an inspiring tale of how a pretty, charismatic girl with giant breasts can defy the odds, Jordan's success has grown with her chest, and she's now enjoying international fame with her new E! reality show, "Katie and Peter." Heck, the girl's even been featured in "Vogue." Retirement never looked so good...or, um, busty.

Of her larger breasts, Jordan has said, "I love them. It's like having a new toy and can't stop running my hands over them. I feel more womanly, more confident, and much more sexy."

According to Hollyscoop.com, the eight-months-pregnant Jordan plans to have a breast reduction after giving birth to her third child-and will sell her 32G implants on eBay.com. Says Jordan, "I can't wait. I still want them to be big-they're certainly not going to be small. I just want them to be more pert."

Besides Jordan, the other major "Page 3 Girl" to skyrocket to fame is Jodie Marsh, Jordan's mortal model enemy. Marsh is rumored to have earned the highest "Page 3" paycheck ever, but the busty model, who's autobiography is ironically named "Keeping It Real," is a bit less forthcoming about any work she's had done. According to her AskMen.com bio, the outspoken, sex-crazed model claims she's only had a nose job (at age 15), and that her in-your-face 32D breasts are real. Also, unicorns are real and the Easter Bunny is her boyfriend. A look at her before and after pictures reveals a "slight" discrepancy in size.

Whether her boobs are real or not, one thing's for sure: Jordan is not a fan. GoFugYourself.com cites a Wikepedia entry in which Jordan reportedly called Marsh's pride and joy "spaniel's ears." As BritBoyinL.A. says, "Jodie is possibly our equivalent of Paris Hilton without the money, looks or style... and for that we love to hate her." Judge for yourself by visiting JodieMarsh.tv, where you can read illicit blog entries about Marsh's sexploits. Subtle, she's not.

With these two class acts on their resume, you can't really blame "Page 3" for wanting to keep things wholesome and implant-free. And though a 1986 proposed boycott led by MP Clare Short failed miserably, "The Sun" has made efforts to tone things done, such as the plastic surgery boycott, a ban on full-frontal nudity, and the addition of news-related quotes. Reports WeeklyAmerican.com, "Recently, articles accompanying the photos attempt to tie in with the news, perhaps for humorous effect, with the models nationally being given a chance to give a comment on topical items."

Topless girls chiming in on the war in Iraq and tax cuts? Let's hope the terrorists don't catch wind of this.