I know they mean well, but I really wish doctors weren't so interested in sticking things all the places the sun doesn't shine. The variety and purpose of diagnostic tools at your physician's disposal gets wider by the day - the problem is, your holes aren't getting any bigger to accommodate them. Still, it beats the heck out of getting cut open. Here are ten of the most common diagnostic tests that go "up yours" one way or another (and I can tell you, 5 of them have already gone up mine).

10. Pelvic Exam

If you're female, and over the age of about 13, you know ALL about this. For you gentlemen, welcome to our world. The annual pelvic exam is used to assess the health of the vagina, uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries and generally consists of two parts: a speculum exam and manual exam. For the exam, you undress from the waist down and cover your lower half with something like a disposable paper tablecloth. You lie on your back on the examining table with your knees bent and put your feet in metal footrests (stirrups). Then you spread your knees apart.

For the first part of the examination, the doctor will insert a device called a speculum in order to separate the walls of your vagina so he or she can see inside. The speculum consists of a hollow cylinder with a rounded end that is divided into two hinged parts, somewhat like the beak of a duck. Once the speculum is inserted, the doctor can open up the hinged parts for a clear view. As it is inserted, the doctor also shines a light inside to see the walls of your vagina as well as the cervix-the outermost part of your uterus. Generally part of this exam includes a Pap test where a small amount of cervical cells are scraped off for testing.

The doctor removes the speculum for the second part of the exam. With a lubricated, gloved hand, he or she presses inside the vagina with one or two fingers while pressing on the lower abdomen with the other hand in order to feel the shape and condition of the uterus. The doctor can feel if the uterus is enlarged, or whether it is lumpy from fibroids. Then the doctor will insert another finger into your rectum, to better feel the area between the uterus and rectum. That finger can also feel for any lumps in the wall of the rectum, and can obtain a sample of stool to be tested for any sign of bleeding.

As an aside, research published by the Harvard Women's Health Watch indicates pelvic exams without "stirrups" are no less effective for exams, and may actually make women feel more comfortable, and therefore more apt to have them regularly. In a randomized trial of stirrups versus no stirrups for routine gynecological exams, researchers found that women who were allowed to keep their feet on the examining table felt significantly more comfortable than those whose feet were placed in stirrups. I once went to a doctor who put fuzzy socks on the stirrups. That didn't make it any better either. The study also demonstrated that it's possible to perform pelvic exams and obtain Pap smears effectively without using stirrups.

So how does it work? First of all, for the doctor to get a clear view of your large intestine, it needs to be completely cleared out. Most people feel the prep for the test is worse than the test itself. The day before the procedure, you'll have to drink up to 8 glasses of special laxative fluid to flush everything out. The night before the procedure you'll need to drink only clear liquids (does tequila count?) and some doctors may recommend an additional enema 30-60 minutes before the colonoscopy.

Before the test, you will probably receive a sedative to make you relaxed and sleepy. You'll wear a hospital gown for the test and lie on your side on the table. After putting on a glove and applying some clear jelly, the doctor will feel the inside of your rectum with a finger. He or she gently inserts one end of the colonoscope into your rectum and gradually advances it up the colon. The doctor will also fill your intestine with air so that the camera at the end of the colonoscope gets a good view and images of the interior of your colon will appear on a video screen. If your doctor sees a suspicious place on the bowel lining, he or she might use some small clippers on the end of the scope to take a biopsy.

If your doctor sees a polyp, a loop of wire pushed is through the colonoscope. The doctor tightens the loop around the polyp's stem and sends a brief electric current through the wire to burn the stem and separate it from your intestine. The polyp can be removed using vacuum pressure on the colonoscope or another tool on the end of the scope. When the doctor is finished, the extra air is sucked out of your intestine and the colonoscope gently removed. The test usually takes 20-90 minutes, depending on whether any polyps are removed.

A bronchoscopy can be done either in an outpatient clinic or in a hospital. Generally you will need to fast after midnight on the night before the test. This precaustion ensures you have an empty stomach in case you experience nausea from sedatives or have a choking sensation or nausea when the camera is first lowered past your throat. Of course you'll wear a hospital gown during the procedure and most probably an IV (intravenous) line. In some cases, doctors may decide this procedure would be safer or easier a plastic tube is placed through your mouth into your main airway (intubation). If you are intubated, you are able to breathe, but you cannot speak while the tube is in place, as it passes between your vocal cords in your voice box. Intubation is always done with the assistance of an anesthesiologist, who gives you medicines to relax your throat muscles and make you unconscious for a minute or two while the tube is placed. Most patients do not require intubation.

If you are not intubated, your doctor or nurse will spray a numbing medicine onto the back of your throat just before the procedure to make it easier for placement of the bronchoscope. While you lie on your back, your doctor will move one end of the bronchoscope through your mouth and throat and into your trachea (windpipe). You may cough or gag briefly while this is done, but the bronchoscope is much narrower than your trachea, so you'll be able to breathe easily during the procedure. As with all "-scopy" procedures, your doctor will be able to see into your lungs by watching images on a TV screen transmitted from the camera
on the end of the bronchoscope. In addition, a miniature vacuum at the end of the scope allows your doctor to take a sample of mucus from inside the lung or even a tissue biopsy using a needle moved through the scope. The test takes about 20 minutes.

The surgeon makes a small cut below your belly button and inserts a needle into the area. Carbon dioxide gas is then passed into the area to help move your abdominal wall and any organs out of the way, creating a larger space to work in and help the surgeon see the area better. A small tube is then placed through the cut in your belly area and a tiny video camera goes through this tube to see the inside of your body. Additional small cuts may be made if other instruments are needed to get a better view of certain organs. But if it makes you feel any better, laparoscopy is often called "band-aid" surgery because only small incisions need to be made to accommodate the small surgical instruments are used to view the abdominal contents and perform the surgery. Oh that's a comfort, isn't it?