Affairs throughout history, the affairs of a sexual nature that is, have at one end of the scale brought down empires, and kept innumerable marriage and family therapists busy and in cash. Affairs have also filled the pockets of many attorneys. There also exists another type of affair that is seldom identified as such, but can have consequences as immense as previously noted. For lack of a better description, I will call this type of affair: Only Seemingly Benign Affairs (OSBA).

Only Seemingly Benign Affairs usually start out as innocent friendships or simple workplace acquaintances. Everyone has these, and they can be between opposite sex as well as same sex pairings. They often are not in any way sexual or sensual. They are however, emotional. Often the persons involved in an OSBA are known to all the significant others.

Only Seemingly Benign Affairs typically begin like most friendships. For example: a man, we will call him Bruce, develops a good working relationship with a co-worker named Ann. They are often in contact with each other even when not at work discussing unfinished dynamics of their job. Often they communicate by e-mail and sometimes directly by phone. One day Ann confides in Bruce that she has had a small fender bender with her car, and is afraid to tell her husband about it. She asks Bruce if he knows of anyone that maybe able to repair the vehicle without her husband finding out. Bruce responds kindly, happy to help out a fellow coworker. From this moment on Bruce and Ann share a secret. And since Ann feels secure enough to talk about a problem she could not share with her husband, Bruce now feels open to discuss things with Ann about his marriage that he could not talk about with his wife.

Over time this relationship becomes more intimate on an emotional level, and a sort of separate life is created for both of them. They can innocently escape into each other with their personal inner conflicts, and since it is not a sexual relationship, they both consider it safe and not subject to external scrutiny. Neither one of them ever state they are in bad marriages. Both of them get along well with their marriage partners. Neither one consider crossing the physical intimacy line, they just don't spend a lot of time together with their respective spouses.

Bruce and Ann increasingly find themselves sharing more and more of their hopes and dreams with each other instead of with their partners. They are beginning to fill a key emotional need for the other. They are having an emotional affair.

Is this going beyond friendship?

This is a difficult question to answer. Traditionally, many people have so-called "best friends" to share intimate material with. There are times when this best friend is also the husband or wife. In many cases, non-marital best friends are formed well before someone meets and marries their spouse. In many - if not most - cases, the friend is an important part of the couples' social/economical/political activities.

A question often posed to me by patients in an emotional relationship outside of marriage is: Am I cheating on my husband or wife? The answer is complicated.

It is unreasonable to assume or demand that one's partner is responsible for filling all of one's needs. There are things that men only talk about with other men. There are things that women only talk about with other women. That does not mean, however, that all subject matters cannot be grasped by someone of the opposite sex. For lack of a better explanation, there are just some things that are concretely feminine or masculine.

There are also activities ranging from hobbies to business and civil activities in which both parties do not participate. One may have a passion for sailing while the other hates any type of water sport. An engineer may have little to share with a mate who comes from the liberal arts track of life and so on.

In situations where some key interests are not shared, it is reasonable to assume that close friendships and associations will be made with the people who are alike. The engineer has close friends in the engineering circles and clubs while the liberal arts man is an avid bird watcher and makes close friends in those circles.

The initial impulse in a marriage may be to obtain all needed nurturance from each other, but at times the pressures of life, profession, and family can greatly interfere. There are times that these pressures in fact create circumstances wherein the marriage partners spend less time with each other in comparison with outside people. When the couple does get together, it is at the end of a hard days work and not much energy is available to cement the connection.

A deep emotional relationship with someone outside of marriage does not have to be bad or dangerous. That is as long as the outside relationship does not become the primary emotional relationship. When the marriage connection becomes mostly a type of roommate situation, with or without 'benefits', and the emotional nurturance comes mostly or only from the other or others outside of the marriage, problems can come to the surface.

The person with whom the most time is actually spent can become the emotional affair partner. It will appear to be totally safe because there is no out of control feelings associated with it. There are no physical lines that are crossed. After a while, however, these meetings or encounters will start to feel so good that one doesn't want them to end. The fact that there is no sex involved can make these connections even more powerful; the emotional honesty serves to lubricate the relationship.

It is inevitable that a person involved in an emotional affair will compare him or her with husband or wife. The unfair thing is that the emotional affair does not qualify as a real relationship. It is a fantasy relationship without the encumbrances of daily minutia of life. There will be times that one will be embarrassed to be seen by his or her mate when seen with the emotional affair partner. This is even so if everyone is well known to each other because it all started to lightly.

If events evolve into the creation of a split and the emotional affair partners end up tying their own marriage knot, the chances are that things will probably repeat themselves. Relationships are complicated machinations between two diverse people. Lots of friction will take place before the connection between two strangers become smooth and worth protecting by being consciously present with each other. Furthermore, both parties have to be aware of their own limitations and what each brings to the table. This will lead to accepting the needs that one cannot fulfill for the other be provided through other, healthy means including other people.

If you have any further questions about emotional affairs I would like to hear from you.

Dr. René Hollander is a clinical psychologist in private practice on the West Side and can be reached by writing him at: DrReneH@aol.com